Casual Day

I know, I know.  Fridays are casual days at my client.  Jeans and denim are not allowed, but tolerated. Sneakers... that too.  But there are fashion choices that should never happen:

People - please: belly shirts are never okay in the workplace.

There.  I said it.

Word up!

Dear Travel God,
Hi. It’s me. Listen, I know we haven’t been on the best of terms lately, especially given Monday’s flight cancellation and subsequent 4 hour delay in Dallas, as well as last week’s hellish commute to Sayre, PA (why, again, did you allow people to live so far away?). But after a good week in NY and a couple first-class upgrades, I wanted to express my gratitude to you. I know in the past I’ve cursed you when you’ve sat me in between two fatties. I’ve cursed you at flight delays and cancellations. I’ve even cursed you for weather mishaps, which we both know are the responsibility of the Weather God (sorry about the misdirected anger). Well, as you now know, I upgraded to first. Even you would admit getting upgraded from Newark to Dallas would take a miracle. You finally answered my prayer (I guess it takes a few hundred of them, eh?!)! Not only that…I had the privilege of sitting next to someone my own size! SCORE!!! AND, get this, she slept the entire time. No chatty Kathys on this flight!

Oh yeah, thank you for the great first-class meal, too. As you know, I’ve been a non-beef eater for the past 10 years. The salad they offered to us was topped with grilled steak (it was either that or the po’ boy chicken and cheese sandwich…um…hello!!! That’s like a pound of fat right there!). Anyhow, although I was disappointed in the selections, I decided to “try” the steak salad. Even though it tasted like the fake veggie burgers I usually eat, it was pretty good for an air meal. And you know me, Travel God. I’m pretty picky.

So anyhow, just a quick note of gratitude about the upgrade I never normally get, a great salad that I normally would never have eaten, and a seat mate that was a skinny non-talker for a change. You’re the best, Travel God!

Consulting Apocalypse?

What is the sign of the apocalypse in a consultant's world?

Layoffs - no, that's just every tuesday and thursday
Cutbacks - nope, that's just the end of each quarter
Moaning and complaining - nope, that's just Monday (and Tuesday, and...)

Here is the sign:

I'm standing in my client's office and an executive walks in. He looks at me, pats me on the shoulder and says, "...you might be a consultant, but we still like having you around.".

Make peace with your Maker. The Executives like their Consultants.

A few of my favorite things...

As I was waiting in line for watery coffee at my client's cafeteria, I started thinking of all the reasons that I like consulting. I hit on a few things that have remained my favorites over the years... they are:

1) watching those luggage cart trains speeding across the airport tarmac
2) getting free watery coffee at my client's offices
3) boarding my flight ahead of the common people
4) hotel upgrades
5) airline upgrades
6) eating out without having to pay for it
7) new laptop every 2, er, 3, um, 4, ah... 5 years
8) conferences in warm places
9) being able to repeat the airline safety speech verbatim for 3 aircraft and 2 airlines
10) the enduring love and respect of my clients

...oh yeah, and the intellectually stimulating challenge of staying on the cutting edge of my business knowledge.

Resource Management

Yeah yeah, I know. A consultant takes your watch and tells you what time it is.

So there I was today, handing my client a pre-proposal for some new work. I realized that I prepared and printed it on their equipment, using their supplies, and then handed it to them.

Where else does this happen?

The Perils of Printer Toner

I am not making this up.

This is an actual email chain that went around the client site today.

A little background:
Yesterday, there was a small crisis here at the client site. The printer/copy machine, which is quite large and looks rather like a new-age space shuttle, ran out of toner.

Now, we all have multiple printers loaded on our computers, but none of us really know where any of these other mystery printers are located. Thus, this toner issue was a large problem.

At most offices, the normal protocol in this situation would be to find the nearest admin and beg for help. In this bizarro universe, however, that is not the case. Here, if ANYTHING happens, like if a printer runs out of toner, if you need a new pen, or if you have to go to the bathroom, you have to "OPEN A TICKET." That's right. In the interest of organizational efficiency, nothing may be done here without "opening a ticket."

Now, of course, tickets are not easy to come by. They take time...and they're about as efficient as the DMV. Any good consultant would find a workaround to this issue in about 5 minutes. My good colleague Laurie did just that. Being the proactive c consultant that she is, she noticed that the printer was out of toner and decided to take action. Note - she did NOT open a ticket. For SHAME!
She went to the floor admin, Jerry, and asked what could be done about this problem. The floor admin, who is known to be about as friendly and helpful as an unevolved sloth, told her "I've TOLD you, Laurie. OPEN A TICKET."

Laurie didn't want to do that, so she went to another admin - who is slightly senior to Jerry. The senior admin sent the following email to Laurie, Laurie's boss, and the top client:

From: SENIOR ADMIN
Sent: Tuesday, March 03, 2009 12:37 PM
To: Jerry the Admin [C]; Laurie; Ron the Tech Guy; The Engagement Manager;
Cc: Client
Subject: RE: Printer Toner
Importance: High

Laurie, "Engagement Manager" and "Client",

If you need assistance, please submit a ticket to the help desk. Below is the link and the number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. According to "The Boss", "Ron the Tech Guy" should not assist anyone if they do not submit a ticket.

Thank you for your cooperation.

______________________________

Thinking that this information could benefit a number of us, Laurie dutifully forwarded the above email to a few other consultants on the project:

From: Laurie
Sent: Wednesday, March 04, 2009 11:23 AM
To: Crazy Consultant and other Consultants
Cc: Jerry the Admin
Subject: FW: Printer TonerImportance: High

FYI…below is the process for any technology issues including toner issues.
THANKS!

(she included the Senior Admin's instructions)

_________________________
Outraged that Laurie didn't open a ticket, and just generally pissed about the message, Jerry the Admin responded to Laurie, the Engagement Manager, Laurie's Workstream Lead, and the Main Client:

From: Jerry the Admin
Sent: Wednesday, March 04, 2009 11:26 AM
To: Laurie, Engagement Manager, Workstream Lead, and Main Client
Subject: RE: Printer Toner

Laurie- I do not understand why you would even need to put me on this email. Everyone on your To: list would have already received the email sent out on behalf of "THE BOSS" which stated the same information. So there is no new process, and no one except for yourself has come to me with this concern, unless they are trying to circumvent the system without doing a ticket. So for further emails please do not include me in your PROCESSES, as I have been with CLIENT X for nearly four years so I do understand the processes.

Thank You,
Jerry the Admin

__________________________________

The moral of the story: OPEN A TICKET if you want to avoid Admin Scorn.

Sorry Bill...I'd rather kiss my new boss.

This is way too funny not to post. The more you watch the funnier it gets!

Drills Gone Wild

Sent to us by an alert Consultant in Pittsburgh...

"When I was working in NY at CLIENT SITE X, I was working next to an individual who nearly had her foot drilled into while sitting at her desk. Apparently they were doing construction on the floor below and the drill broke through the floor above— directly under her foot! Fortunately the woman had good reflexes."

In Case You Need a Laugh...

… and I’m guessing we all do…

I would just like to report that moments ago, here at the client site, a rather odd thing transpired:

My colleague, another dutiful consultant, was quietly working at her desk,
When suddenly…

And I am not making this up…

The ceiling fell on her head.

What makes this even more entertaining is the fact that there were several GALLONS of water right above the destroyed ceiling tile.

So not only is the poor woman dirty from material that no doubt contains asbestos, but she (and her laptop) are now also quite wet.

You have to love government consulting.

Where is OSHA when you need it?

TOTALLY Random